I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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