I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
