We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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