The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
