My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
