that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
