mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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