I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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