Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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