I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
