Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
