I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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