Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
