were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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