In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
