I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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