A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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