The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
