I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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