i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
