I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
