I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He passed out mid-signature
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
