Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need a beard to bite.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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