So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
