My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sarcasm needs its own font
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
