Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
