Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
