Michael Bay diarrhea
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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