Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
