this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
