bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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