I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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