I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
