when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
