I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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