OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
