Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
