my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
