She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
