No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
