Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize