Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
