Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
