Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
