I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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