I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Your penis caused this!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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