Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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