apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
she told me i tasted like america
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
