I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
