Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
