Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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