life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
