She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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