I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
