I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he fucked my hip out of place.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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