dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
