The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
